Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
