mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
