oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sorry about my life...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
