So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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