last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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