I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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