apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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