I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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