I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
please come you make the beer taste better
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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