I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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