So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
