Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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