A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
