I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
