the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
