I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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