guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
