Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
