Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
