Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
