Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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