as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
