The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
