From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
