you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
