Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
