Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
