Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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