Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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