I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
