Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
