soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
