I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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