At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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