I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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