Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
