he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My butt remains clenched, sir.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
