I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
