He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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