Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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