I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
