Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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