Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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