I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
