We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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