I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
