Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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