Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
