Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
