K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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