I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
