This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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