I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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