i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
