I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize