dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
