For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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