# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
