just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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