so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
