The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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