i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
