Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
