I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
