Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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