Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
